A Passionless Marriage
“My wife and I used to be passionate lovers. Now we’re just housemates.”
I regret to say I’ve heard this numerous times in the counselling room. A male client recently asked me, with genuine confusion in his voice: “Why isn’t sex there anymore?” He’s not alone in wondering this. Many couples find themselves drifting into a passionless dynamic, often without knowing why — or how to find their way back.
While some might assume this is inevitable in long-term relationships, it’s not. Passion can fade, yes, but it can also be reignited. To explore why intimacy might vanish — and how it can return — I turn to the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model.
What Is IFS? Internal Family Systems (IFS), developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, is a powerful therapeutic approach based on a simple idea: we all have parts inside us — like an inner committee. There might be a part that feels abandoned, a part that longs for intimacy, a part that fears rejection, and a part that wants to run away. These parts often form in childhood, and they take on extreme roles to protect us from pain.
In IFS, we also have a Self — a core of compassion, clarity, and calm. Healing happens when the Self can turn towards our parts with curiosity, rather than being hijacked by them.
So how does this apply to sex and intimacy in a couple?
Why Might Sex Disappear? From an IFS perspective, sexual disconnection in a marriage is rarely about a lack of love. It’s more often about the emotional burdens that each partner — or their parts — are carrying.
Here are a few examples of how IFS might interpret a passionless marriage:
1. Protective Parts Are in Charge
If one or both partners carry parts that associate sex with danger, obligation, or rejection, these parts may shut down sexual desire. For example, a woman might have a protective part that was activated by past trauma or by the pressure of motherhood, saying: “It’s safer not to go there.” A man might carry a part that says: “If I initiate and get turned down, I’ll feel worthless — better not risk it.”
These protective parts are doing their job: trying to keep the person safe from shame, disappointment, or overwhelm. But they also block intimacy.
2. Exiles Are Buried Deep
IFS refers to deeply wounded inner parts as “exiles” — parts that carry burdens of shame, abandonment, or inadequacy. In a marriage, when these exiled parts are triggered by relational dynamics (e.g., feeling ignored, misunderstood, or judged), the body may shut down sexually. The person may not even know why — they just feel numb, tired, or uninterested.
3. Parts Take on Polarised Roles
Over time, partners may develop opposing inner roles. One person’s part may demand sex as proof of love, while the other person’s part sees this as pressure or invasion. One part may say, “I’m not desirable,” while the partner’s part says, “You never want me.” This push-pull dynamic often deepens disconnection.
What Can an IFS Counsellor Do? When a couple comes to therapy because their sexual relationship has disappeared, an IFS counsellor doesn’t just look at behaviours. They help each person identify their inner parts — especially those that are burdened with past pain or defensive roles.
Here’s how an IFS process might unfold in couple’s therapy:
1. Mapping the System
Each partner begins to identify what parts show up when sex is mentioned. A woman might say, “There’s a part that wants to please him, but another part that gets angry because it feels like I always have to perform.” A man might say, “A part of me feels rejected, and then another part gets critical of her.”
The therapist helps both partners step back into Self — a calm, compassionate perspective — so they can witness these parts, rather than become them.
2. Unblending and Listening
The goal is not to get rid of parts, but to help them to feel heard. When someone listens to their inner part that says, “Sex is just another chore,” they might uncover a deeper hurt — perhaps a sense of never being seen or appreciated. As these parts are unburdened, the person begins to feel more open and connected.
3. Creating Safety
IFS understands that sexuality can only thrive in an internal environment of safety. A counsellor helps each partner understand the other’s system with compassion. Instead of blaming or demanding, they begin to speak from Self to Self. That might sound like: “I see now that when you withdraw, it’s not because you don’t love me, but because a part of you is scared of being overwhelmed.”
4. Reconnecting with Pleasure
As burdened parts relax, the body can begin to remember desire. Sometimes, passion returns naturally — not in the form of performance-based sex, but in slow moments of affection, laughter, curiosity, and shared presence. From there, intimacy becomes possible again.
Hope for a New Beginning
A passionless marriage doesn’t mean the love is dead. Often, it means that protective parts have taken over, and exiled wounds are calling out to be healed. IFS offers a respectful, non-shaming way to explore these dynamics, giving both partners a path back to connection — emotionally, physically, and mentally.
If you and your partner are struggling with the loss of intimacy, know that you’re not alone — and that there is a way forward. You don’t have to perform, pretend, or push. With the right kind of help, you can listen to the parts of you that are hurting, and begin to find each other again — not just as co-parents or flatmates, but as lovers.
Thank you for reading this. if you would like a free confidential one-off discussion on zoom about a personal issue drop me a line.
🛑 Disclaimer:
This post is a social media newsletter and not a substitute for counselling or emergency support.
If you’re struggling with your mental health, please contact your GP or call 111 for urgent help.