An Adult Ego State Perspective*
What does it mean to be “normal”? It’s a question that invites us to pause and examine something most of us take for granted. A short video I recently watched offers a deceptively simple idea:
“Normal is how you behave to fit in with others.”
At first glance, it sounds obvious – of course we adjust ourselves in social settings. But when we take a step back and consider this through the lens of Transactional Analysis, especially from the Adult Ego State, we can see that this phrase opens a profound doorway into understanding conformity, identity, autonomy, and authenticity.
What Is the Adult Ego State?
In Transactional Analysis (TA), our personality is described in terms of three Ego States:
- Parent – Behaviours, thoughts and feelings copied from our caretakers or other authority figures.
- Child – Feelings, impulses, and responses replayed from our early experiences.
- Adult – Our here-and-now self that processes data objectively, makes decisions based on reality, and balances out the influences of Parent and Child.
The Adult Ego State is what allows us to assess reality, weigh options, and choose responses that are appropriate and constructive. It is curious, thoughtful, and present – and that’s the perspective we’re exploring today.
The Nature of “Normal”
From an Adult perspective, “normal” isn’t fixed. It varies:
- Across cultures
- Between communities
- Over time
- Within different social settings
What’s normal at a football match may be out of place at a funeral. What’s normal in a London office might seem odd in a rural village. And even more subtly, what’s considered normal in your family might be very different from what your partner grew up with.
Seen through this lens, “normal” is not about objective truth or inherent rightness. It’s a social agreement – often unspoken – about how we behave in order to fit in.
Fitting In: Adaptive or Inauthentic?
Fitting in can be a healthy and useful strategy. As social creatures, humans thrive in groups. A child learns to say “please” and “thank you” not because they understand social contracts but because it earns approval. An employee might learn to dress a certain way or modulate their tone of voice to suit their workplace culture. These are signs of adaptive intelligence.
But from an Adult Ego perspective, the key is conscious choice.
If I adjust my behaviour consciously – aware that I am doing it to build rapport, avoid conflict, or meet shared goals – then I remain grounded in my Adult self. I know who I am and why I am choosing to act a certain way. My autonomy remains intact.
If, on the other hand, I feel compelled to behave a certain way just to be accepted – especially if it contradicts my values, needs, or identity – then I may have slipped into a Child state (seeking approval or avoiding disapproval), or a Parent state (obeying internalised rules I’ve never questioned).
The Adult asks:
“Is this behaviour serving me in this context?”
“Am I choosing this because it’s effective and respectful – or because I fear rejection?”
The Cost of “Normal”
Let’s not underestimate how costly the pressure to appear “normal” can be.
People suppress emotions, identities, preferences, even whole parts of their personality to avoid standing out. This can result in:
- Chronic anxiety
- Imposter syndrome
- Shame or self-alienation
- Relationship difficulties
- A life that feels performative rather than lived
When people live constantly under the burden of fitting in, they may lose track of their true Adult voice. Their internal dialogue becomes dominated by inherited beliefs (Parent) or unmet needs (Child).
By contrast, the Adult Ego State helps us negotiate these forces. It doesn’t reject “normal” out of hand, nor does it blindly conform. It asks:
“What is appropriate for this situation?”
“What are my values here?”
“Can I fit in without giving up who I am?”
A Thoughtful Middle Ground
Living from the Adult Ego State is not about total nonconformity or radical self-expression at all times. Nor is it about melting into the crowd.
Rather, it’s about balance:
- I might wear business attire at a meeting even if I prefer jeans – because I value being taken seriously.
- I might keep my voice calm in a heated discussion – not because I’m suppressing my feelings, but because I’ve assessed that it will help de-escalate.
- I might decline to laugh at a group’s joke that feels cruel – not to stand out, but because it clashes with my values.
These decisions come from a place of presence, autonomy, and thoughtful consideration. That’s the hallmark of the Adult Ego State.
Inviting Self-Awareness
The next time you hear yourself thinking, “Is this normal?”, try asking:
- “Normal according to whom?”
- “What’s being asked of me here?”
- “Do I want to comply, and why?”
You may find that the real question is not whether you’re normal, but whether your behaviour aligns with your present values and goals.
The Adult Ego State gives us the power to reflect, assess, and choose. It’s not always comfortable, but it’s honest – and it’s liberating.
Conclusion
“Normal is how you behave to fit in with others.” It’s a phrase that sounds simple but invites deep reflection. From an Adult Ego State, we can recognise that normal is context-dependent, socially constructed, and often necessary. But we can also choose how far we adapt, ensuring that our actions reflect not just social pressures, but personal clarity and intention.
Being normal isn’t wrong – but being unaware of why we strive for it can be. Let your Adult Ego State be your compass.
*The Parent, Adult, and Child Ego States are part of Transactional Analysis theory. The Parent holds rules and values we’ve learned; the Adult assesses reality and makes decisions; the Child contains our emotions and early experiences. For a quick visual explanation, see this video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtWqh97Vwi4 by Robby Steinhouse.