My client is concerned her son aged 25 has a new girlfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder, and wonders what should she say to protect him from getting hurt?
When our children grow up, they don’t stop being our children — but our role in their lives must evolve. One of the most challenging transitions for many parents is learning how to stay supportive when an adult son or daughter enters a new romantic relationship, especially when there are potential warning signs.
A situation I encountered recently was when a quiet, sensitive young adult becomes involved with someone who has emotional difficulties — such as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This can create relationships that are highly intense, loving, but sometimes chaotic or even harmful if good boundaries aren’t maintained.
Understandably, the parents want to protect their sons or daughters from heartache. Yet if we come on too strong — criticizing the new partner or trying to intervene — we may push our children away rather than help them. So what can a caring parent do?
Here are some important principles to keep in mind:
1. Keep Communication Open
The most valuable thing you can offer your adult child is a safe, non-judgmental space to talk.
Phrases like:
- “I’m always here to listen if you ever want to talk about how things are going.”
- “Relationships can bring up all kinds of feelings — excitement, confusion, even ups and downs. It’s normal to need to talk about it sometimes.”
This way, you are signalling that you trust them and that you respect their autonomy, while also leaving the door open for deeper conversations.
2. Raise Awareness Without Criticism
Instead of warning them about the partner’s possible issues (which will almost always backfire), gently encourage your son or daughter to notice their own feelings and experiences.
You might say:
- “Sometimes relationships feel really exciting at first but can get a bit overwhelming. It’s good to check in with yourself: Are you feeling happy and supported most of the time?”
- “If you ever start feeling like you’re losing parts of yourself — giving up your friends, hobbies, or dreams — that’s a sign to pause and think.”
By keeping the focus on your child’s experience rather than the partner’s behaviour, you empower them to make wise decisions for themselves.
3. Watch Out for Red Flags Together
Without labelling or diagnosing anyone, you can teach your adult child what healthy and unhealthy patterns look like.
You might mention:
- “In healthy relationships, both people can have their own friends and interests and still feel close.”
- “It’s important that you feel heard and respected — not like you’re walking on eggshells or constantly trying to fix things.”
- “If you ever feel trapped, manipulated, or like everything’s always your fault, those are signs to take a step back.”
These conversations are best framed as general wisdom, and not specific— that way, your child can apply it without feeling attacked.
4. Respect Their Journey
One of the hardest things as a parent is accepting that our adult children will sometimes make mistakes, experience heartbreak, or learn through having a difficult relationship. If you try to control their choices that only drives them further away.
You might gently affirm:
- “You’re wise and capable, and I trust you to find your way, even if it’s not always easy.”
- “Whatever happens, I’m proud of you for being willing to love and take emotional risks — that’s part of growing up.”
This gives your child the precious gift of both freedom and a soft place to land if they need it.
5. Know When to Seek Extra Support
If the relationship becomes emotionally abusive, if there are threats of self-harm, or if your child seems trapped or isolated, it might be time to encourage them toward outside help — counselling, coaching, or even professional advice tailored to the situation.
You might say:
- “It can be really helpful to talk to someone neutral when you’re in a complicated relationship — just to sort out your own thoughts and feelings.”
Again, frame it as about your child’s wellbeing, not as a judgment about the partner.
In Conclusion
Parenting an adult child in a complex relationship requires walking a fine line: offering love and wisdom without interfering or criticizing. It’s about trusting their resilience while quietly being the steady presence they can turn to when needed.
When we keep the focus on their experience, rather than trying to fix or diagnose the partner, we do something powerful: we strengthen our adult child’s ability to navigate their relationships with confidence, self-respect, and inner strength.
And perhaps most importantly, we remind them — no matter how old they are — that they are never alone.
Thank you for reading this. if you would like written advice on a personal issue drop me a line.
🛑 Disclaimer:
This post is a social media newsletter and not a substitute for counselling or emergency support.
If you’re struggling with your mental health, please contact your GP or call 111 for urgent help.