Maybe your partner accuses you of not listening, even though you are. You try to explain your point, and they get more upset. You apologise, but they say you’re being sarcastic. You try silence, and they accuse you of shutting down. You feel stuck, helpless, and misunderstood — like every word you utter is a landmine.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many men come to therapy expressing frustration with how their attempts to fix things or explain themselves are met with more conflict. The harder they try, the worse it gets.
So, what’s going on here?
A powerful framework that can shed light on this dynamic is the Parent-Adult-Child (PAC) model from Transactional Analysis. Understanding these ego states can help you recognise not only what you’re doing in the heat of the moment, but also how your words are heard — and misheard — by others.
Let’s unpack this.
The Parent, Adult, and Child Explained
The PAC model says that we all operate from three different ego states:
- Parent: The part of us that has absorbed the voices of authority — often critical, judgmental, moralising, or nurturing in a prescriptive way. It might sound like, “You should have known better,” or “That’s not how a man behaves.”
- Adult: The rational, here-and-now state. It’s calm, factual, open to discussion, and doesn’t take things personally. It might say, “I’d like to understand what upset you.”
- Child: This is the emotional part — reactive, playful, hurt, defensive, or rebellious. It might say, “You never listen to me!” or “Fine, I won’t say anything then.”
These ego states are not about being childish or parental in the literal sense, but more about the tone and emotional charge behind how we relate.
Here’s the kicker: communication breakdowns often happen when people are speaking from mismatched ego states.
For example, if your partner speaks to you from a hurt or angry Child state (“You don’t care about me!”), and you respond from a rational Adult state (“Of course I care — look at all I do for you”), it can come across as cold or dismissive. Their hurt Child was looking for empathy, not a spreadsheet of your contributions.
Or if you respond from your own Parent state (“You’re being ridiculous”), the situation escalates — you’ve activated their rebellious or wounded Child, and the cycle of misunderstanding continues.
Why Men Often Default to Parent or Adult
Many men are socialised to operate from the Parent or Adult ego states — being logical, in control, “fixing” problems. We’re taught to suppress emotional vulnerability and instead bring solutions, rational arguments, or detachment.
But in emotionally charged conversations, especially in intimate relationships, this approach often backfires.
When your partner is emotional, they’re likely in their Child ego state — expressing pain, fear, or anger. They’re not looking for solutions; they’re looking for connection. And when we respond from the wrong ego state, it feels like we’re not meeting them — and things spiral.
So, What Can You Do?
Here are some practical strategies to shift the dynamic when everything you say seems to make it worse:
1. Check Your Ego State Before You Speak
Pause and ask yourself: Am I reacting from my Parent (critical or lecturing), my Adult (logical but detached), or my Child (defensive or sulky)?
Often, the solution lies in consciously choosing to speak from your Adult state — or even a nurturing Parent — but in a way that invites connection.
2. Match Emotional Energy First
If your partner is in their Child (emotional) state, don’t leap to logic. Offer empathy first. You might say:
“I can see you’re really hurt. I didn’t mean to add to that, and I want to understand.”
This doesn’t mean you’re taking the blame — it means you’re connecting on the level they’re on before trying to move back into logic.
3. Practice Emotional Literacy
Men are often under-skilled in identifying their own feelings, let alone others’. It’s worth building your emotional vocabulary. Saying “I’m feeling overwhelmed,” or “That landed badly and I feel like I’ve messed up” is incredibly powerful. It brings your Adult and Child together and invites the same in others.
4. Get Curious, Not Defensive
If you find yourself thinking, But that’s not what I meant!, pause. Instead of defending yourself, ask:
“Can you tell me what you heard me say?”
“What would help right now — do you want me to listen or to problem-solve?”
These questions come from your Adult state and keep the door open.
5. Reflect Afterward
Once the heat of the moment has passed, think back. Were you trying to fix rather than feel? Did you sound like a critic instead of a companion?
Self-reflection helps you avoid repeating the same unhelpful patterns.
Final Thoughts
When every word you say seems to make things worse, it’s not because you’re broken — it’s often because you’re stuck in a pattern you can’t see.
The Parent-Adult-Child model offers a powerful lens to make sense of those stuck places. It doesn’t label you or your partner — it just helps you notice how you’re relating, and gives you the tools to shift.
The good news? Once you begin to understand your own default ego states and how they interact with others, you gain choice. You start responding, not reacting. And that’s the path to better communication, stronger relationships, and fewer arguments that end with you feeling like the bad guy for just trying to help.
And sometimes, the most helpful thing you can say is:
“I’m here. I want to get this right. Help me understand.”
That one sentence, from your calm, open Adult, might change everything.
🛑 Disclaimer:
This post is a social media newsletter and not a substitute for counselling or emergency support.
If you’re struggling with your mental health, please contact your GP or call 111 for urgent help.