We live in a sea of expectations 11/17
Children feel comfortable when they behave in the way they feel they are expected to behave. That is to say in their childhood interpretation of the expectations of their care givers. And they develop unconscious coping strategies to gain approval and praise.
But when children become adults and suppress or deny their grown-up feelings they, we, you and me, become upset, resentful, hurt even angry. Those childhood coping mechanisms don’t work for grown-ups.
And our expectations may be wrong, other people, your partner for example, did not expect you to respond that way. That response was your coping mechanism for what you thought they said or meant.
Time to stop and think. As Steven Hedger says about the wife who feels emotionally abandoned.
“It’s likely she will have felt that she has been crystal clear in her communication with him. In some cases, she can feel temporarily comforted that he has understood, BUT only to be flabbergasted when his actions then prove he hasn’t heard her at all, or worse he’s choosing not to hear her.”
The key word is CHOICE, your choice. Do you really stop to think and choose how to respond, or do your coping mechanisms step in and deal with it in the way you expected?
You could be wrong.
For more information about marriage guidance and couples therapy visit
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/king-square-counselling-bath-eng/1066845
9th April 2023